Unexpected death, particularly as it relates to crime, scars families and friends left behind in many ways. Community members gathered Friday night at the Methodist Church in Waldoboro to talk, to share and to find some way of dealing with unexpected death.
This gathering of teachers, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters comes in the wake of an attack on three women in the community. People are still asking the question, “why”, even as two suspects for the murder of Rachel Grindal and attempted murder of Tracy Neild are in custody.
Given the opportunity to speak freely in a congenial and peaceful church atmosphere, people shared their fears and frustrations, some their deepest sorrows in related instances of death and, as implied from the discussion, a collective hope.
In the midst of wondering how to reach out to others and how to address the issues surrounding sudden, unexpected loss, people wondered aloud whether the April 19 attack might have somehow involved drugs. They shared their confusion as to how situations lead to murder and what to do in the aftermath.
As part of a separate telephone interview, Waldoboro resident Theodore Wooster spoke in response to some of the points brought up during the discussion, but in general terms.
He said the public needs to understand the level of desperation involved in drug use. People have different physical make-ups and tolerances, he said. The public does not have the physiological knowledge base to determine who is who.
“People don’t understand the addicting potential,” Wooster said, adding that teachers and parents have to understand the consequences of the circumstances surrounding drug use.
“One of the basic problems is a lack of economic opportunity,” he added.
John Parkman, a national board certified counselor, led part of the Friday night discussion and offered his advice as it relates to counseling. According to former Medomak Valley High School principal Ronald Dolloff, Parkman was the head of the guidance and counseling department at MVHS for many years.
Grief, as community members learned that night, is shared by people on all sides of a murder. Families on the side of the victim and perpetrator are left to wonder why.
District lay leader Joan Gatcombe quoted a St. Francis prayer before community members sitting in the pews, who then took turns lighting candles in the darkness of the church.
Candles flickered as people sat in silence and listened to gentle guitar music. As the music drifted to a close, Gatcombe pointed toward the candles flickering on the table in front of the church.
“Whatever fear or loss (felt) is represented in these lights and represents our reaching out,” she said.
Rev. Beverly Blaisdell referred to Mother Theresa, who said, “Lead us from death to life, from lies to truth. Lead me from despair to hope, from fear to trust. Lead me from hatred to love, from war to peace. Let peace fill our heart, our world, our universe.”
People who came to the church Friday night took part in what was described as a community counseling gathering, as opposed to a religious ceremony. Parkman said members of the church were concerned about those left behind as a result of the attack on Controversy Lane and wanted to do something for the community. He said they wanted to make sure no one would feel excluded and welcomed all to join.
“I appreciated John (Parkman) coming,” said Waldoboro resident Jeanne Begley toward the close of the night’s gathering. “I thought it was a good, sharing time.”
Waldoboro resident Val Skov said the community needs a gathering such as what was experienced Friday night.
“It takes an effort to talk to people, to get to know another person,” he said in his observance that residents often keep to themselves.
Skov said he sees a lot of people in Waldoboro who don’t talk to one another and while the community in his church is a good group, it still takes effort to get out the door.
Parkman handed out a sheet to community members on which were outlined several suggestions for those who have experienced unexpected loss. He wrote friends and family members respond well to a specific request when they otherwise wouldn’t know what to say or do. He suggests people experiencing loss let others know how they could help.
People can help those who are grieving by being good listeners. Parkman recommends support in the form of actions, such as providing meals or caring for children or pets. He suggests friends and family members be around for the other person.
“People grieve in cycles and in different ways, in different stages,” Parkman said in a following telephone conversation. “One of the common denominators is that we’ve got to communicate our feelings.”