An evening panel discussion was the highlight of the first annual Aging in Place Symposium Sept. 27 held at Mid-Coast Energy Systems Showroom, and featuring multiple professionals in a panel discussion format on “difficult dialogues.”
Difficult dialogues refers to the concern with making life-altering plans when parents can no longer care for themselves, and need to examine alternatives within families.
Very few seniors attended the session, contrasting with the full house attendance earlier in the day that featured workshops on re-outfitting a home with the needed accessible devices to make aging at home possible.
David Nealley, publisher of Maine Seniors Magazine introduced panel members, including local caregivers Jane Najim and Karan Ward, realtor Tracy Hunter, attorney Rebecca Sargent and senior care advisor, Ann Quinlan and Damariscotta resident Sally Johns.
The caregivers shared the real challenges of living with their parents; they deal on a daily basis with dementia/emotional and physical limitations.
Apparent throughout the discussion was the need for respite care for caregivers; Quinlan said an alarming statistic has been an increase in stress-related illnesses and early death for caregivers.
Caregivers Najim and Ward are between ages 50-65, and are caring for parents in their 80s and 90s. In both caregivers’ circumstances, they sacrificed their personal lives to care for their elders, leaving behind homes, careers and friends.
Sally Johns has been planning with her children a move to Ashville, N.C., to live in proximity to her son. “The reason’s financial,” she said. “I have a large house and simply, I cannot afford it. I’ve tried to figure out ways that I could and I just can’t.”
Johns investigated “downsizing” but realized, that living on a fixed income, she could not afford taxes.
She expressed deep love for Damariscotta, and her life in the community, but said she must make the move. With her son, she embarked on mind-mapping, putting her situation into perspective, and the obvious result was making the move.
“It (mind mapping) was an amazing experience,” she said, resulting in the plan to either purchase one property, constructing two dwellings, or add onto an existing house.
Speaking from a realtor’s standpoint, Hunter said elders are seeking houses with bedrooms and bathrooms on the first floor.
“My number one request is to be intown,” she said. “[Moving] is very difficult for seniors; they don’t want to move and don’t have a plan. They are afraid of what’s the next step.”
Hunter encouraged “anyone with a house, if possible, put in a first floor bedroom; it’s the investment people are looking for,” she said.
The lion share of attorney Sargent’s practice is counseling families. She estimated 80 percent of her practice is helping families in transition with essential documents. She counseled the audience: the time to plan is before a crisis.
Sargent praised the plan Johns described working with her son, since there is no crisis that’s necessitating planning, and the two can work objectively.
Ward brought much-needed levity to the conversation, describing in a humorous way, her challenges with her parents; her mother has Alzheimer’s and her father is in his 90s and frail.
“The minute I came in the door, I’m 17 again,” Ward said. “That’s the age I left home.”
“Part of what we need to get into are difficult conversations, [with elders] but essential,” Nealley said. “Where you want to live; how you are going to live and the great impact on health and quality of life.”
Nealley said families should work on the issues, investigating funding, and resources available. “We weren’t afraid to call mom and dad when we needed help; it’s only right that things work full circle,” he said.
Financial concerns discussed involved limited retirement income, coupled with the expense of respite care for caregivers, or outside care for elders.
Saying, “elders need an advocate and caregivers do, too,” Quinlan discussed the problems caregivers face with issues such as elders driving, and the resistance some caregivers get from their aged parents. “No one of us wants someone to take over and run our lives…it is about love, caring and giving up all those things [they used to do when able], that sense of independence,” she said.
Quinlan offered the concept of sharing time with volunteers, or members in the community. She also recommended as a starting place, “Five Wishes,” that lets an elder’s family and doctors know who is to make healthcare decisions when the patient is unable to make them; the kind of medical treatment that’s wanted, or not; how comfortable the elder wants to be; how the elder wants to be treated; and what the individual wants their loved ones to know [closure].
For more information on Five Wishes, visit www.agingwithdignity.org.
Primary suggestions to the audience involved planning well in advance, consulting with financial planners for financial options – first “putting the financial house in order,” considering legal counsel, and Quinlan’s Five Wishes.
The symposium was presented by Spectrum Generations; Coastal Community Center in Partnership with Mid-Coast Energy Systems.
It was sponsored by CEI Coastal Enterprises Inc., Cheney Insurance Agency, Newcastle Square Realty Associates; Kno-Wal-Lin Home Care and Hospice.
